Kaycee's Birthday

My last post was about a "timeline" and looking forward to the future.

I have something special to look forward to. I have 9 months of looking foward to that special something. I found about about 2 weeks ago that I am currently expecting again.

My estimated due date is October 27, 2009. Kaycee's birthday.

This brings up alot of emotions for me but, I am going to remain optimistic and hopeful. How sweet that the date that I am due is on her birthday. It blows my mind.

Timeline

I always thought I would have a timeline, but as I now see -- that is not an option.

Some days are better than others and some days are purely awful. I had this "timeline" and my head and I lost all of that and I don't know what "timeline" I should have now. I still don't have what I thought I would have. No baby and yet no pregnancy that will result in bringing a baby home just yet.

Allen had previously said that he didn't want to be "old" when we had a child...Well, he is sadly mistaken...he is going to be what he considers "old" by the time we have a child (I am being optimistic - I know one day we'll have a little one to care for).

I am big planner -- and well, I have been shown that I need throw plans out the door, because what I had timed in my head isn't what God has planned and timed for us.

I need to look forward and continue with that....and shove the timeline out the door.

I am no longer looking at the "closed" area -- I am looking forward to what doors will open for us. One day, we'll get there...

I am still amazed at how quickly time seems to "slip" by...

I received a message from a friend - it was a "Thought for today"...This is something I do all time...I worry about "tomorrow" not really today...

“You can only live for Today. Stop worrying about Tomorrow”. - Geneva Matthews

This prompted me to think about this poem I had found right after I lost Kaycee...

WHEN TOMORROW STARTS WITHOUT ME.

When tomorrow starts without me, and I'm not there to see,

If the sun should rise and find your eyes, all filled with tears for me;
I wish so much you wouldn't cry, the way you did today,
While thinking of the many things, we didn't get to say.

I know how much you love me, as much as I love you,
And each time that you think of me, I know you miss me too.
But when tomorrow starts without me, please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name, and took me by the hand

And said my place was ready, in heaven far above,
And that I'd have to leave behind, all those I dearly love.
But as I turned to walk away, a tear fell from my eye,
For my life had not long started, and I didn't want to die.

I had so much to live for, so much to learn and do,
It seemed almost impossible, that I was leaving you.
I thought of all the times to come, the good one's and the bad,
I thought of all the love we'd share, it made me feel so sad.

If I could spend just one day, or even a little while,
I'd tell you how I love you, and I'd show you my big smile.
But then I fully realized, that this could never be,
For emptiness and memories, would take the place of me.

And when I thought of worldly things, I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did, my heart was filled with sorrow.
But when I walked through Heaven's gates, I felt so much at home,
When God looked down and smiled at me, upon his golden throne.

"This is eternity he said, and all I've promised you,
Today for life on earth is passed, but here it starts anew.
I promise no tomorrow, but today will always last,
And since each day's the same day, there's no longing for the past.


My child you was too special, I had to set you free,
So won't you take loving hand, and share my life with me?"
So when tomorrow starts without me, mummy don't think we're far apart,
For every time you think of me, I'm right here, in your heart.

October 27, 2007

Finding out that day at the hospital that Kaycee was coming early was quite the shock. She was on her way and there was no stopping it. It turns out, I was sick and that caused my labor. 4 months too early. The day she was due was estimated to be February 27, 2007...October 27, 2007 she made her appearance into this world…but, she was too young and small to survive.

Knowing that I would give birth and Kaycee not having a chance to make it - broke my heart. I don’t know that my heart ever will mend completely. Kaycee was born at 11:11pm. Have you heard, the saying: “It’s 11:11 - make a wish!” How ironic - my wish came to me at that particular time.

Holding her in my hands - feeling her little arms and legs, counting her fingers and checking out her toes - I had wished I would never have to let her go. I wanted to keep her forever.
I will always keep her with me and I know she is always with me - The Best and Beautiful Things are Felt with the Heart - I feel her everyday.

Kaycee’s birthday approaches rather quickly…she would have been 1 year old.

Happy Birthday baby girl.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day

It's been some time since I was here last...I need to change that.

So today, October 15th is the day we remember those little ones that we have lost. I will be lighting a candle at 7pm in rememberance of my little girl Kaycee and the other babies that we have lost.

http://www.october15th.com/

I even bought a special candle (not really anything special - just a Glade candle I picked up and haven't burned yet.) that I will light. I am saving the candle my friend Sara gave to light on Kaycee's birthday. How ironic that she was born in October - The month that is considered: Pregnancy and Infant Loss month.

I miss you baby girl.

The Best and Most Beautiful Things

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart. A quote by Hellen Keller.

How true this is...My daughter is beautiful and I am not able to touch her or see her...I can only touch her and see her in pictures and in my memories.

The day I found out I was pregnant - I was over the moon. I knew I was pregnant before testing...I just knew it in my heart. And I also that this baby was a girl. My mind, immediately was racing with all kinds of plans for the future!! I was excited and so was Allen. We were going to be parents to a "human"! We are already parents to 2 beautiful girls: Penny (Golden Retriever) and Matilda (English Bulldog). Allen couldn't wait to share the news with everyone, he wanted to shout it from the roof tops! I was a bit reserved, but just as excited.

We found out on Father's Day 2007 - that is when I got my first faint result on a Wal-Mart cheap pregnancy test. I tested a couple of days later with a digital and it gave us the clear answer.

I walked on air for days, hell months! I so happy with life and how things were going for us! We made plans for names for a boy or girl...but, I knew in my heart even at 5 weeks pregnant that I was carrying a girl. I looked at baby clothes, I looked at strollers, bedding, cribs, etc! I am big planner so, I was really excited about of this baby planning! I looked forward to the days ahead of us - I was such a happy person!

October 3, 2007: We had our big ultrasound! Allen, my mom and his mom all went with me to the appt. We saw that the baby was indeed a girl! My thoughts: I get to name her Kaycee!!!! I could have cried! I named my daughter after my grandfather. His name is Kit Carson, and he went by K.C. for short. My heart swelled. My little girl. Kaycee.